Mia was 4 years old when her mom reached out to me for parent coaching support. Mia didnāt have a formal diagnosis, but her mom had been noticing patterns that felt bigger than "typical 4-year-old stuff" for a while now.
The meltdowns were the main reason for the call. Not just that they were happening, but what they looked like: kicking, screaming, spitting, throwing things. I was no stranger to these kinds of meltdowns, having dealt with them myself with my own neurodivergent daughter.
The good news was, her mom isn't starting from scratch. She was already doing a LOT of things right.
She and Mia created hand signals together (during a calm moment) so Mia could communicate whether she wants space or a hug when she's in the middle of a meltdown. And Mia ALWAYS picked physical connection with Mom. Every single time.
But the tricky part was: her body often looked like she needed the opposite. The hitting, screaming, and throwing actions said "get away from me" while she expressed a need for being held and comforted.
If Mom found a safe window to cuddle, rock, and model deep breathing, Mia would start to come around. She had a small lovey blanket and sucked her fingers to self-soothe. When those pieces came together, de-escalation was on the horizon.
But if her Mom was in a hurry, stressed, or running low on patience? That's when things get harder. (And honestly, when doesn't a parent of a 4-year-old feel at least one of those things?)
Beyond the meltdowns, here's what else was going on:
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Mia had a strong need to control her environment. Lighting, where people sit, sounds, whether someone is singing near her. Her dad got the brunt of this. "DADDY, NO SINGING." "NO, you CAN'T sit there, that's MOMMY's seat!!"
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During any level of dysregulation, even mild, Mia didnāt want her dad to look at her, talk to her, or come near her. Mom was very much the default parent at all times.
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Morning and nighttime routines were the hardest parts of the day.
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School, on the other hand, was going well. She was in a preK class with understanding teachers. But Mom suspected she was holding it together at school and then falling apart at home.
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Mia was starting to rely on screens more and more, but her mother worried it was starting to be too much (and then she worried about how she would start cutting her off).
My Initial Thoughts
I had a few thoughts on her need to control behavior around lighting, sounds, seating, and who was near her. That's not an intentional power struggle. That's a nervous system trying to create predictability. When the world feels unpredictable or overwhelming to a young child's sensory system, controlling the environment becomes a survival strategy. If I can control where people sit and whether Dad sings, then I can control how much input is coming at me.
The fact that Mia always chooses physical connection during a meltdown, even when her body looks like it's pushing people away, also tells me something. She knows what she needs. Her system was just so flooded that the way she's expressing it looks contradictory. The hitting and kicking weren't a personal attack against mom. Her reactions were instinctive in that they were trying to protect her from a perceived threat.
And I really wanted to dig into the default parent piece. The fact that Mia only wanted Mom during dysregulation, and sometimes even when she's just slightly off, didnāt mean that her Dad was incapable of caring for her, or that she didnāt like him. I find it actually to be so common that a child (especially a neurodivergent, emotionally sensitive one) has a strong preference for one safe co-regulating caregiver. While thereās nothing inherently wrong with this, it is helpful to explore ways to expand their comfort, both for the childās benefit and the default parentās.
Coming Up
Over the next few weeks, we're going to unpack three big themes from Mia's story:
- The anatomy of Mia's meltdowns, what's actually happening in her body before, during, and after, and what her mom can do at each stage.
- The "default parent" dynamic: why Mia only wants Mom, what it tells us about her nervous system, and how to support Dad's role without forcing it.
- Screen time as a regulation tool, and whether or not we need to consider limitations.
Disclaimer: These case studies are inspired by real-life clients I have worked with, with permission from their parents to share. Some aspects of the case are authentic, and other details are added to include more variability for our discussions. None of the strategies and advice here substitutes medical advice, diagnosis or intervention with an Occupational Therapist.
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