Welcome back to Mia's story. If you're just joining us, head back to [part 1] to meet her and her family.
Today we're going to talk about the thing that brought Mia's mom to me in the first place: the meltdowns.
Not the occasional tantrum that every 4-year-old has. The full-body, kicking, screaming, spitting, throwing-things kind of meltdown that’s only talked about in neurodivergent spaces. The ones that leave you shaking and sweating (and probably crying, too).
Mia's mom already had a solid process in place. She and Mia created hand signals together so Mia could tell her whether she wanted space or a hug during a meltdown. Surprisingly, Mia always picked the hug.
But as soon as her Mom reached her arms out to hug her, Mia kicked. She hit. She screamed.
“No matter what I do, I always feel like I got it wrong.”
It's confusing, right? She says she wants closeness while physically kicking her away.
So what's going on?
The nonsensical brain
When a child's nervous system crosses a certain threshold of dysregulation, the thinking, planning, and communicating part of the brain goes offline. What's left is the survival brain. And the survival brain doesn't have great logic or communication.
So, even though Mia was a very smart and understanding kid, in the heat of a meltdown, nothing was logical for her. Reminding her of screen time rules and why she had to wear pajamas did not get through to her logical brain- all her brain interpreted was DANGER, DANGER, DANGER.
So, how do you react in the face of danger? Do you sit there calmly, smile politely and nod? No way. You jump into action and do whatever you can to fight off, run away from, or scare off the threat/danger.
Her mom used to take her aggression as a sign of needing space- so she gave her space. But that didn’t help.
Then, she tried asking her “What is it you need?” And Mia almost never replied with actual words (just grunts and screams).
Finally (outside of the moment), Mia’s mom explored hand gestures with her. Together, they decided that Mia likes hugs, and they would symbolize this by crossing arms across the chest so that the left hand is on the right shoulder and the right hand is on the left shoulder.
So when Mia’s mom did this gesture, without speaking, Mia would nod, Mia’s mom would open her arms and she’d curl right in.
Here’s why this worked for Mia.
First, Mia’s mom wasn’t adding extra auditory input by verbally asking what she wanted.
Second, Mia’s mom wasn’t requiring Mia to come up with a regulation strategy on the spot, she just had to decide if she wanted a hug (yes or no question).
And lastly, this didn’t require Mia to verbally respond. She could just nod.
This reminds me of how I used to offer 2 options for my daughter during a meltdown. Watch it [here].
What about the times this didn’t work? What do you do during a meltdown when a child refuses to try a strategy, and they’re physically harming you? Let’s explore.
During the meltdown
While the hug gesture was a fantastic approach, it wasn’t working 100% of the time. So Mia’s mom wanted to discuss what to do for other times.
State the boundary once. Mia's mom was already using "I'm not going to let you hurt me," which is a great, clear, non-shaming boundary. I encouraged her to keep using this, but reminded her only to say it once and then follow through with the next step.
